I didn’t want to post pictures at first for a few reasons:
A) It’s embarrassing!
B) I think how you look is definitely secondary to how you feel.
C) I don’t want to promote one ideal of how a body should look, and I certainly don’t think skinnier = better.
But I decided to, because:
A) I love the photo sections of other blogs. Especially in cases where people transition into a radiant, healthy look.
B) The experience of “body” is one that is much more complicated than “fat vs. skinny.” If we can describe our bodies using adjectives like “fit,” “strong,” “capable,” and “energized,” I think everyone will benefit. It’s the media’s lie that the only states of being are fat, skinny, and occasionally “curvy!” So, this is simply my attempt to connect my physical state over the years with the feelings I was experiencing at the time, to prove to myself that my desire to be healthier is not a masked desire to be at a certain weight.
Here is a pic from a few years ago, when I weighed around 135 lbs (I’m 5′9). I was very active and ate very healthily, but food/body image was definitely a huge source of stress for me, and something I obsessed about every day. I was definitely guilty of denying myself food when I was upset about something. And no matter how I looked, I always felt “fat” and felt like I wasn’t exercising enough.
Below is the most recent pic I have of myself in a bathing suit, from a trip to Cape Cod in August 2008. I don’t feel “fat” but I definitely don’t feel strong or fit! This was right after I became vegan (I weigh a little over 165 in the pic). I consider myself in “halfhearted-gym-shape” here 
The dress over the head wasn’t to conceal my identity; we were just being silly
It’s funny, because after I saw the more recent pic., I remember thinking “Eh, I guess I could stand to do a few more sit-ups,” but when the first pic. was taken a few years ago, I remember looking at it and thinking that I looked fat. I think my body image is much less distorted now! I gained all that weight the summer right before my senior year of college (I had burned myself out on exercise and had spent too long “restricting” my eating, so I guess I “rebelled”) and have maintained close to the same weight since then.
I think I’m finally starting to accept myself as I am for the first time. For the past few years at the heavier weight I’ve sortof missed my obsession with squeaky-clean eating and lots of exercise, because that obsession made me very physically fit. But now I’m hopeful that I’ll find a balance in between the two extremes, where eating well and staying active are habits that I don’t have to obsess over. I’ll try to post another pic sometime in the next couple months.
December 24, 2008 at 10:54 pm
[...] Pictures [...]
December 25, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Hey girl!
). I’m definitely adding you to my blogroll next time I update.
I’m so glad you commented on my blog, because it led me to yours
Happy Holidays!!!
January 5, 2009 at 10:07 pm
You look great. I am glad that you just went out on a limb and posted ‘em. Great job.
http://run4change.wordpress.com
January 28, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I love your story. It’s great to hear that your body image is straightening out and healthing up!
February 2, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Ashley: “healthing up” is a great way to put it, haha
February 3, 2009 at 6:56 am
thanks for commenting on my blog
i like yours!
February 3, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I would love to look like you do in the second photo! I think you look great!
It is funny to go and look at past pictures when you were thinner and when you were thinner you didn’t appreciate it, because you still thought you didn’t look good! Why do we think like that?
February 5, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Hey! Who is your friend who graduated from Hollins? It was such a small school (800 students) so maybe I know her. Also, though I graduated in 2005, I originally entered as a class of 2006 student
February 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm
OMG I love Jo!!!! We had a few women’s studies classes together! She was such a fun person to be around! What a crazy small world!
February 7, 2009 at 3:46 am
Unfortunately we haven’t been in touch
I see she has facebook though, so I just added her 
February 10, 2009 at 1:18 pm
How fabulous, I mean really. I love the things you say here on your blog about how skinny doesn’t automatically equal better. I sometimes imagine the day I hit my goal weight as the day I’ll suddenly take over the world. Thanks for the reminder that life is what we do along the way.
February 10, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Jennifer: thanks so much. I really don’t know why we do this to ourselves… I guess it’s just really easy to conflate “health” with “appearance”!
Angela: Thanks for stopping by! you might as well just take over the world right now
March 26, 2009 at 4:35 am
Wow, I think you and I might be the same person. I got way too skinny in college and although not a lot of people knew it, my happiness was VERY tied into the number on the scale or the size in my jeans. Then at the end of senior year and the summer after, i did what you said you did… I rebelled! Now I’m working on getting back in shape, but also finding happiness in my life from other sources than how I appear on the outside! Good luck to us both!
September 2, 2009 at 9:31 pm
When I was in high school I thought I was fat (of course!) and I look back and think how thin I actually was (but not as muscular as I later became). Perspectives change over the years. Good for you for posting the photos- the dress over the head cracked me up!!