Fit for Free

A couple years ago, when Status Quoman and I still worked together, we decided that the stretch between New Years and Memorial Day is the worst of the year. Particularly the January—March segment. Here in NYC, that means the cold air moves through the long streets like a wind tunnel, the sun is long gone by the time 5 PM rolls around and you leave work, and the sidewalks are icy and treacherous. Doldrums indeed!!!

Our solution to the problem: celebrate Doldrums Day, a new holiday to break up the winter, on the “worst day of the year,” which we dubbed to be the last Monday in February. For the past few years we’ve foregone holiday presents in favor of Doldrums Day gifts and dinner out at a vegan restaurant. I look forward to it every year.

That being said, I woke up this morning and realized that this leaves a long, empty stretch between January 21st and February 23rd. Four weeks of uninterrupted doldrums. This time last year, I occupied my time by going to the gym every day after work, doing the elliptical and watching the news, and then rewarding myself with 10 minutes of stretching & sweating in the sauna. I love the sauna. But this year—new resolutions, and no gym.

Serendipity came in the way of a promotional e-mail from Bikram Yoga NYC, a yoga studio that I used to frequent when I lived on the Upper West Side.  The e-mail entitled me to 30 days of Bikram Yoga, at any of the city’s four affiliated studios, for $30. Normally Bikram costs up to $20/class, so this is a GREAT deal. And, as it turns out, there’s a studio only a 20–minute walk away from my office!

So, starting Friday, I’m committing to a month of Bikram (not every day, but as often as possible) to tide me over until warmer weather and park jogging win back my heart. It’s not free, but I’ll take what I can get.

Why am I so unfocused on monitoring my food intake this weekend, especially after last Thursday’s disappointing weigh-in?

Maybe the whole idea of “monitoring” is wrong for me!?!?

No, that’s not it . . . I think I’m too strict with myself on the weeks that I “pay attention” and follow WW to a T. I don’t allow myself enough freedom. I obsess too much. I’m way better than I used to be but still too obsessive.

I think sometimes you have to let go a little to move forward.

Also, when I get mad/preoccupied/feel like someone is judging me on my appearance, I tend to say “f*** it, I’m eating whatever I want.” And there IS something that’s messing with my head:  I played in a show on Saturday night at a music venue that was pretty much a frat party . . . not the best setting for this band’s lyrical songs . . .  long story short, there are two girls (the singer and me) and two guys (drummer and bassist) in the band, and some stupid guy in the bathroom line didn’t believe that the singer and I were in the band. He said something like “No you’re not. If you guys are seriously in the band that’s playing next, I will jump onstage. You’ve got to be kidding me . . .”  LDSFJDSL@#$@.  Since when are girls now allowed to play music ?!?!??! This is NYC—we’re supposed to be progressive!!! I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s because we were wearing t-shirts and jeans rather than the tight skimpy cr@p that all the other girls in the bar were wearing . . .ugh.

Sorry for the hostility!

Tomorrow’s a new day, I went on a great shopping trip today, my produce drawer is overflowing, I made white bean/swiss chard soup for lunch tomorrow and granola for breakfast tomorrow, I AM IN CONTROL.

But this week, if I really really really want jordan almonds or chocolate mid-day at work, I’m going to have some. A LITTLE. Saying “no” over and over and over only leads to “rebellion” later. I know this. I KNOW THIS!

Time for some food!

Here is the strange and delicious wrap that I made the other day. I wanted something light but energizing (since I was eating a couple hours before a yoga class). I was craving sunflower seed butter and fruit. But I also wanted something crunchy. So . . . .

enter the sunflower seed butter/blackberry jam/banana/CINNAMON PUFFINS wrap!! (with pinapple on the side)

I can’t explain how delicious and satisfying this was. The CRUNCH of the cinnamon puffins . . . YUM!

In other culinary experiments, I added a new dimension to one of my super-quick weeknight dinners:

(polenta, frozen veggies—spinach, peas, and corn—and a gardenburger riblet)

by cooking the polenta and veggies in this broth! It was SO much better than usual!

And, of course, ending the meal with some Green & Black ginger dark chocolate—yummmmm.

Another quick meal:

(I LOVE my pumpkin Le Creuset pot—best gift ever.)

About halfway through the ravioli I decided I wanted something else and went for this:

Spicy boca fake-chicken patty with Annie’s chipotle bbq sauce. YUM!

And my new favorite dessert:

A slice of whole-wheat bread with heated applesauce and cinnamon (only 2 pts if you follow WW). It’s like a light apple pie

I went to my meeting last night and was up almost 2 lbs.  I thought I had done well with my eating & exercise this week so it’s frustrating!  The only thing I can think of is that I felt super dehydrated all day and kept guzzling water but always felt thirsty (not sure if this is from the dry air, salty soup I had for lunch, or a combination).  In any case, that could be a partial cause.

My first thought was “I should never have quit the gym.” But I know deep down that if I re-joined, I wouldn’t be happy. And I reminded myself that I JUST moved, JUST quit the gym, and haven’t yet found a new routine. And that once I do (regardless of whether I need to spend a little money on it to get me through these cold months), I will be SO happy that I am gym-free!! I don’t really enjoy going, but if I feel like I’m gaining weight, I’ll work out every day  until I start to feel like myself again, and then stop going, then re-gain the weight, etc. etc.  It’s a bad cycle!

My second thought was “Ahhhh that means I weigh X lbs. more than I did this summer, and X more than I did 2 years ago, and XX more than I did 3 years ago, and XX more than I did in college!! I weigh X more than this person, and X less than this person!!” I really blame college for this type of thinking. Especially the year I shared a room with a girl who was exactly my height who lost a ton of weight (and ended up weighing less than me). Body-talk was a huge part of our conversations and she constantly commented on my body and compared us (more so when she was heavier than me). Our relationship was founded on negative self-talk and comparing ourselves. Not healthy!

But when I got home (after a subway ride of these thoughts clashing in my head) I said to myself “This is the type of stress that is holding you back. This is the type of thinking that does not work. You’ve tried it over and over again. It does not help.”  I literally said out loud to myself “STOP IT!” A weight gain does not mean that I’ve hit rock bottom. The fact that I took the time on the blog to explain my story (and felt the extreme relief that went with it) does not mean that I am “cured.” It’s a PROCESS, I’m at a point where I’m not comfortable, and I just need to keep going.

Do you ever feel like you need to “get in shape” before you can “start your life”? I had thoughts like that last night, too. How can I focus myself and find a career that’s right for me if I can’t even get in control of this simple thing? But that’s wrong. It’s about moving in a positive direction. It is not about becoming “perfect” and then progressing from there. That’s just an excuse to put things off. I fixate on food and exercise because I am NOT happy with where I am in life and need to make a change; making a life change will only help in this process.

(Let me be more specific: I want to be a teacher, I’m applying for programs now, and I DON’T think that being a little heavier than I’d like will make me a worse teacher!!)

This morning, though, things seemed better. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror on my way to work this morning and thought “this whole process is making me stronger. I’ll be a good teacher. I’m more secure in my life direction than I have been in a very long time. I can do this.” I also thought, “you look fine. Remember that you run and do yoga because it makes you feel good. Hang on to that feeling.” A far cry from “ugh, these pants would look so much better on me if only I weighed 15 lbs. less.”

A part of me is reluctant to post this because I think there’s a stigma against over-analyzing yourself rather than just simply MAKING CHANGES: exercising more, eating better, and being healthier. But it’s HARD to undo a lifetime of bad habits and negative thinking. It requires some analyzing. It’s not the weight gain that is the problem, it’s the string of thoughts that followed it. THAT is my biggest struggle. THAT is what I want to go away!

Sorry for the rant, and thank you for the support on everything else I’ve posted! I feel much better now.

P.S.: To those of you who commented on the idea of weighing in “in public”—it’s really not as bad as it sounds. Nobody but the receptionist sees the # (you don’t even have to see it if you don’t want to!) It’s a small price to pay for the amazing support you can find at the meetings.

Ahhhhhh.  Last night was a bit of a late night. But so fun! But also so frustrating.

I play in a band called This Reporter and last night we played at a benefit for Yetta Kurland, this awesome woman who is running for City Council in NYC.  She’s vegan, passionate about animal rights, has worked as a tenants rights activist and civil rights attorney for years, and is generally warm, down to earth, and awesome.  There were some seriously amazing people on the bill: Nellie MacKay (who played my keyboard!!!), Janine Garofalo, Ed Sullivan, the Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players, and more. I felt lucky to be there.

But as much as I wanted to enjoy everything and have a good time, I felt totally locked up in my body. Does anyone else feel this? I’m not sure if it was a result of the fact that I didn’t have the chance to exercise yesterday, or the fact that I was feeling a little stiff and sore from a minor ice skating accident the other night, but for whatever reason, I found myself standing stiffly rather than dancing as much as I wanted.

One of the performers, Jasper James, had a bunch of dancers backing her up and they all looked so loose and fluid in their own bodies, regardless of their size. I kept looking at them and thinking “THAT is what I want!!!” without really being sure what that meant—I guess it’s the flexibility, ease, and confidence of people who work with their bodies and are “one” with them. Sounds SO cheesy but it’s so true. I envy that! I remember the most confident I’ve ever felt dancing, the most fluid I’ve ever felt in my own skin, being around the time when I was practicing yoga daily. It’s a feeling that I truly believe is disconnected from size/weight.

Anyway. Tonight is my second weigh-in at weight watchers since the holidays, and I am hoping for some good news. I think I did well balancing out my meals this week and integrating lots of fruits and veggies (and avoiding stress eating when I could). I’ll let you know how it goes (and promise to post pictures from last night as soon as I have them, as well as the promised bizarre-wrap combo.!)

Oh!! And I made oatmeal this morning (1/2 c. oats, 3/4 c. water, 1/2 c. pumpkin) and topped it with all of these things and it was WONDERFUL!!:

From left to right: sunflower seed butter (my favorite nut butter), Familia low-fat granola, and a sprinkling of demerara sugar (which I purchased in bulk, and has slightly larger granules than turbinado). This was the best bowl of oatmeal that I’ve had in forever!! I ate it too quickly to take a picture Note that the granola has honey in it (although vegan I do eat honey on occasion), but my favorite part by FAR is the freeze-dried fruit pieces throughout. Crunchy and AMAZING!!

I’m also really enjoying pumpkin in my oatmeal. I used to mix an apple and a banana into my oatmeal every single day but I think all that fruit sugar made me crash mid-morning and I’d get SUPER hungry around 11. When I eat the pumpkin mixture (even without the protein from soymilk—I was out today) I can easily make it from 8 AM to 12:30 or 1 PM.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!!